As I was turning left out a bank I that I recently inherited when its crisp logo somehow enveloped my former bank's logo, a fastidious train of what appeared to be gigantic dollhouses nearly caused me to loose control of my mother's 2002 Civic and send it spinning over the median into a sign reading "Victorian Village: English Row Towne Homes and Towne Centre / Models Open! / 5 floor plans / 2200 to 3000 Sq. Ft."

The design of English Rows was inspired by the landscapes and traditions of the Victorian era and London's centuries-old Mews garden developments. All units are built around a 150' x 300' English Garden, with the exception of 12 lots overlooking the beautiful 18th fairway of the Tamarack Golf Course. The stately Victorian towne home designs combine traditional comfort and elegance with unexpected state-of-the-art amenities, including satellite TV, high speed Internet, wall safes, and more.

After staring at this architecture for a solid five minutes I began to realize that human beings, by which I mean white couples and divorcees over fifty, will soon be living out their remaining years inside gingerbread parodies from a fantasy-romance novel. Not satisfied with simple town homes, they require "towne homes" (and adjacent retail facilities such as "towne centre") to sweeten the purgatory of daily suburban life into an architectural dreamscape of laser cut molding, fretwork spandrels, vestigial gables, solar-panels, and as many superfluous e's as could possibly be fit into an ad campaign. Yes, one of the available upgrades at the Victorian Village is solar power. What an unforeseeable new dimension in Victorian ornamentation: solar-powered electrostatic air purifiers betwixt poorly cut plastic window tracery.

If you would like to in a brand new luxury Victorian towne home, are located in the Chicago suburbs, and have at least $500,000 to spend (before upgrades) you should visit www.englishrows.com. Models are open for viewing Tuesday through Saturday, from 10:00 am to 6:00 pm and Sunday, from noon to 6:00 pm. Also check out the 360 degree virtual tour on the website.

I myself am planning a tour of the "Lady Jane" model for sometime next week. God, I'm so glad to be back in America! In one moment of staring at this beautifully offensive crap, so inauthentic, so ineffectively gluttonous as to become profound, I was injected with the vital juices of American excess that an entire year of living in Germany failed to provide for me.

Solar powered Victorian towne homes! What a country!